Every invitation has two people in it.
5 min read
It is said that there is the family we are born with, and then there is the family we choose, which is our friends. Many of us are more comfortable with one than the other. We may share some of our thoughts, feelings and emotions with our family, but friends are the ones we can share absolutely everything with. We hang out together, we make decisions together, and so on.
Then why does missing a friend’s invite, one we never wanted to miss, stay with us? All of us have duties and responsibilities we take care of every day, and we are sure our friends understand that. But still, missing an invite from a friend makes you think. Why is that?
Saying Yes
So why does yes come so easily with friends? There may be many reasons, some of them personal. Maybe you grew up together, maybe you went to college together, maybe you have done some amazingly weird stuff together. Or maybe it is just something as simple as knowing this is one person you will absolutely have fun with.
There is also a culture factor to it. Many of us think a no is much harder to say than a yes we might not keep. So what do we say instead? We say “maybe” or “I’ll try”, which more often than not is just a soft way of saying no. But it is still a no. And this is not just us. In one study on invitations, 77 percent of people said that at least once, they had accepted an invitation to something they did not want to attend, just because they were afraid of what would happen if they said no.
The fault is not in the person or the intention. It is in the planning, what is called the planning fallacy. We usually say yes to the week we think we will have, not the week we actually get. And when you work for someone or run a business of your own, most of your planning happens spontaneously or on the move.
Work Wins
Many of us do not want to miss an appointment or break a promise to meet someone. But sometimes work wins. The previous day, everything might have been fine and work running smoothly. Then the next morning you hear something has happened, and you have to cancel the plan you made with your friend.
Sometimes missing an event is the only thing you can do. Work takes priority because there are teams depending on you, projects depending on you, and situations where your decision matters more. At that moment, the only thing you can do is tell your friend you will not be able to make it, and go to work.
From Where They Stood
Now maybe the event did not depend on your presence at all. Maybe you were just one of a hundred people there. But your friend asked you to come and you said yes. Maybe he spoke to the organisers, maybe he made arrangements for you, or maybe it was something as simple as saving you a seat at the table.
At a business event especially, a person’s presence or absence is a reflection on the inviter. Inviting you is as good as telling someone, “Trust me, this guy is good and he will be there.”
But here is the other side of it. The same researchers, Julian Givi and Colleen Kirk, published their work in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, and found that people who decline an invitation overestimate how upset the inviter will be. The inviter thinks less about the no itself and more about the reason behind it. So what inviters mostly want is honesty.
The Empty Chair
Many people talk about the one who invited and the one who got invited. Not many talk about the organiser or the host. They go through a lot of trouble to put an event together: counting heads for seats, working out how many plates of food they will need, the decoration, the ambience. At a networking or business event, a no-show is not just an empty seat at a table. It is a conversation that never happened.
So What Actually Helps
From my point of view as the invitee, say yes only if you mean it, and plan early. If something unforeseen comes up and your plans change, call them. Tell them what changed and why you cannot attend.
On the other hand, the inviter can make no an easy answer. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes and understand what is going on. Do not take someone’s absence as a judgment on you or the friendship. Understand where they are coming from, and next time, invite them again.
The Echo
Things will come up, for us and for our friends. What stays is not the missed event, but whether we picked up the phone and said why.
Think of the last yes you could not keep, and the last seat you saved that stayed empty. Did either of you ever talk about it?
Echos Of My Mind
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